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October 31, 2018 at 1:15pm I stood in my workplace bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and said I am going to start writing.

Well actually I was in the stall and I started to pray to God saying I want to write how I am feeling, what I have been through so that maybe I can relate to others who may be feeling the way I do.

As I am writing my eyes are filling up with tears, I am feeling a knot in throat and a slight headache. I associate these feels as maybe this is the way I should be going.

“Dear heavenly father see me through on the path you have made for me in Jesus name I pray Amen”

As soon as I pray I always feel so much better.

I am Christian, a single mother of 1 boy trying to figure out where I go from here.

Wow…. Am I really doing this as I ask myself. I’ve always had thought to start writing and I always thought I had to have some big amazing idea that I tend to do, but never go through with it. Talk and thoughts can be cheap when coming from me is what I use to say, but I know now what you speak can form who you are.

I love writing in my journals for years and this time I felt let me start my journal with you. Hey, you never know we might be able to learn something from each other.

I currently live in Toronto and I must say I am blessed each day because the good Lord wakes my son and I up every day.  I have a job, I have a vehicle, I have a roof over our heads, I have family and friends that love us.

Of recent I am currently feeling like I have hit the bottom, or I am digging myself in a hole in so many ways.

I am at work doing my 8 hours; of which turns into a 10+ working hours a day if I allow myself. Having big dreams and desires that is not allowing the world to see.

“GOD WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME”

Is my question every day….? It is said we shouldn’t question GOD …  Wish God would just set beside me and talk to me and comfort me, so I can just cry all my worries away….

Wait he already does that, but I am not taking the time to meet with him and have our private conversations like we use to.

What is my purpose? What is my next move?

 

 

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Welcome back “New Year 2020”

December 11, 2018 was the last attempt I made to write a post on this journey I wanted to take with you guys.


On November 17, 2018 at 6:15 pm I lost my dad someone who was very dear to me.
I attempt to write a post twice; of which I have setting in my draft as my own personal memory of the feels I was not sure of.
I’ve always been the type of person to not show emotions and to bottle it up feelings inside so that I don’t really allow myself to feel and go through the motions of what I may be going through. As I write this I really don’t think I have allowed myself to coup or to mourn my daddy completely. I had a few moments, but then I put those feelings away.

Since December 2018 I haven’t gone back to see my dad because I have been afraid and  sad. My son use to ask to see grandpa and I would tell him we would wait once its warm to go see him, but then life happens. I know some people may say “oh my gosh” but you may not understand. I plan to go see dad very soon and I don’t know what to except, but this is something I need to do. Plus my son will be able to go visit him. The first visit will need to be alone with my dad so we talk and I can apologize for not coming by for so long. From there I think everything will be alright.

Also since my last post I had allowed myself to go into a dark place; of which I would call it depression. There were days that I never felt to do anything, but yet I had to get up everyday because #1 my son and #2 work. You know them bills that are drowning me have to be paid. Other days if I didnt have to come outside to do my mommy duties then I would just isolate myself.

If I didnt have God and friends who cared I could still be in in that place right now.

“Heavnly father, thank you for holding my hand and catching every tear. There were times when I felt to give up, but you always reminded me that you gave me a second chance. You saved my life and gave me another to be at my side.  You have sent people in my life that helped me through a lot that I wouldn’t of been able to do on my own. I thank you and I love you. In your holy precise name, Amen.


Feelings

Today I woke up with some many different emotions, and the one feeling that stood out the most was I don’t want to miss an opportunity, and any blessings that God has for me. I wanna live the best life as this has been given to me by the grace God. I have a second chance and pray every day asking God to not let me ruin his plans for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Where am I going from here? Do you know where your going? Only God knows…….